Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
The trouble with modern education is you never know how ignorant people are.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?' 'All the time.'
Patience – A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
To lose one parent may be regarded as misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
Dogs are angels full of poop.
You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realise how seldom they do.
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you’re sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
In our family, there was no clear line between religion and fly-fishing.
Reality continues to ruin my life.
Everyone in America is extremely concerned with hydration. Go more than five minutes without drinking, and you’ll surely be discovered behind a potted plant, dried out like some escaped hermit crab. When I was young no one would think to bring a bottle of water into a classroom. I don’t think they even sold bottled water. We survived shopping trips without it, and funerals. Now, though, you see people with those barrels that Saint Bernards carry around their necks in cartoons, lugging them into the mall and the movie theater, then hogging the fountains in order to refill them. Is that really necessary?